How long should you court?

For some, five months is long enough in a relationship to walk the aisle and tie the knot. But for others, years go by before they can say “I do.”

Now, who is right? Perhaps nobody and everybody.

Strange answer, isn’t?

Well, where there is no answer, every answer is the answer.

That is because experts believe that there is no standard period for courtship, perhaps explaining the ‘anything goes’ situation that characterises the issue. They say variations in the length of courtships are a function of the people involved and the situations they find themselves in.

For example, some people may date for five or 10 years before marriage because they met in school and do not have the means to live independent lives.

Esther Saenda, a sociology lecturer at Blantyre International University (BIU), holds this view.

“If one is in tune with their significant other, they should be able to tell if that person is marriage-minded and that does not matter whether it’s short or long-term dating,” she said.

According to Saenda, the length of courtship does not determine the longevity and quality of married life.

She said what matters is the commitment of the couple to foster and grow the relationship into a marriage built on strong foundations.

“The dating period is not a determinant of marriage success. Marriage works out for people who are serious about staying together and making the relationship work with a strong companion. So the bottom line is, only those dating can decide how long they want to date before they wed,” said Saenda.

But the sociologist cautions that because marriage is different from dating and cohabitation, couples need to be serious and committed before they decide to settle down as husband and wife.

“The strategy for courtship depends very much on the people involved in the relationship. But generally, the kind of activities are within the context of getting to know each other truly, whether that means spending more time together, making joint decisions, enjoying things together, getting to know each other’s families, physical intimacy and anything as may be agreed upon by the people courting.

“However, sociologically, physical intimacy in the form of sex is only legitimate in the marriage institution, but personally I think the people dating may agree on what’s functional to their relationship,” she said.

Sam Banda, a resident of Kachere in Blantyre, married his now ex-wife after five months of courtship.

While people around him were taken aback by the decision, Banda believed it would work out. But things did not turn out as he expected because the marriage did not last.

“I think the period was just not enough. I mean, during the five months I was still excited about the whole relationship. Besides, our true characters had not fully emerged,” said Banda.

He said the quality of courtship has a bearing on the foundation of the marriage.

“But then again too much time during courtship is another problem as people become too lax and can do anything,” said Banda.

Marriage counsellor Hastings Phale believes that practically a year is ideal for a couple to take the relationship to another level.

“Practically, one year is enough to get to know one another and during this time, couples are expected to explore each other’s culture, religion, family background and so many other issues, but the point is, getting to know each other.

“During this time, the soon-to-be couple grooms each other and begins to understand each other’s tempers and preferences. This is a very important stage and must not be rushed,” said Phale.

He said problems can arise in marriage if people do not know each other well.

“Marriages have broken up and I can’t say it was a result of short courtships, but what is inevitable is that spending some time knowing your future partner is a good sign and it helps to solve certain problems as people understand each other better,” said Phale.